Monday, November 23, 2020

Damaged

There was a girl …she was happy to welcome her dad from work, and wake up really early, sneak behind him five am before he left …… and she was thinking he 'll never be gone . But one day without warning he did leave. Life just kept on going, nothing really stopped, if his heart stopped beating, only a handful of other hearts took notice. He s not even in her dreams any more and she get upset with him for that, once in a while.... but anger won't bring him back....




Death is not 
the greatest loss in life. 
The greatest loss is
what dies inside us
while we live......

 I look around. A sad crowd , and I m in it, posing perfect life on Insta.... dreaming of a perfect world that was never meant to be so anyway.  We are not. We are flawed, we are weak and we need love in and out , no matter how much we pretend. I am searching for the meaning of being alive  and being here. A reason to hold on to , and not for anyone else, but for me.  but if that one other person helps you justify it, be truly and fully happy with that, as we all need a reason. And still, I keep on looking, ready to find more, ready to be surprised. Because we want more of anything we know of, and life is one.
Life is not meant to be pink, and we are not made to be whatever the definition of perfect is. You meant to have the clouds to smile to the sunshine, and the wrinkles to show for it.   A constant fight against the wind, with thorn feathers and healing scars. We have no say on what is gone, regardless we were part of it. The future does not exist either. But we are given a chance, a chance to make it  We have a try at that with every breath, with every morning new.  Day by day, one step at a time, and one more, and one breath followed by the next,, sights with pains and sores. And smiles and laughter are to be treasured. Do not take them for granted, for is a blessing to be smiling. Many people can't find one reason to...

We are flesh, and that changes, but what can live a little longer, is our souls. We become memory to the ones that we met ,but we can live in such a way , that we can hope bring a smile to dear one when remembering us, and that is really all we can do to make this struggle worth it.  Make it so they can talk of you for another few years, so you see from up there that you were not as insignificant as you can be. 

That girl cries today again ... and know she'll cry again , give it some time. You always had a kind word for everyone, and you were given such painful way to leave us...if there's any justice in it, this girl can' t see it. I only hope your pain is gone and you found  your peace. I 'll remember you with a smile. Smile back ! 

Sunday, September 15, 2019

how NOT to love .......

We re all so easily addictive .... We love being addicted to sugar, to drinks , to self love, to lies and  convenient smiles . I went and googled it :"addiction".  Not for inspiration.   I may know just enough to talk about it .... I typed it together with human nature, as at times it feels like is one and same with it. . I believe I m not one of the addictive personalities, but I might have forgotten one minor / major thing : mistakes .... Not repeating them. But surely ticking off every one and each of them. Addiction to mistakes. Is that a real thing ? If yes, that's scary ...

We love being addictive to love. And what is love ?
Cause this ...it isn't ….
And me again not saying "Stay! " .....but "Leave me alone ".
When all I needed him to do was. stay.
Once again afraid to love .
So afraid. And  wanting to .
Remember thinking :
I could love him if I tried.
But I said I wouldn't 't try it
There is only one. Best shot.
And this !.... is what we got.

Isn't this sad........
The  world  is full of sadness. ...So much sadness
And the devil ain't in hell, he s right here, next to us
smiling...
All them things I would not say .
Can you please take them away … when you leave
Cause I am cold and you re not here.
As we always knew will be........

Have I pushed you to the edge? Have I ? did you fall ?! But did you ?
You didn't  … and who lost this game ?
All the times we were apart ...
Now again: it feels the same.
There s no love.  There s no forever...
What has gotten into you ? I just lied,
When I have told you that I miss and want you too.

Wanting to be left alone,
Don't need anyone to know.
Look around you, what we are, such a sea of broken hearts







Tuesday, February 6, 2018

crush(ed)




"The only real things which we take with us in the end are our own feelings, our loves, our hates and adversities. I ask myself: at the end of life, what will we leave outside? I suppose we can leave some feelings, less of hate, some of passion, but... especially of love."  



"Tell me, if I caught you one day
And kissed the sole of your foot—
Wouldn’t you limp a little afterwards 
Afraid you’re going to crush my kiss?"(A Poem)

Saturday, January 6, 2018

November



I am a fish in a bowl
I squint at the air but cannot jump 
Out of myself. out of this hell 
And if i scream you chose not to hear me 
nothing would help. And you won t 
I ll have to erase that night of November 
It all went so wrong. Don t wanna remember 
"Forget it " i command to a heart with no ears 
"This wasn't t your war even poor dear"
You got me to fight someone else's fear 
Why have i ever thought this was for real 

Where is my dou. Give me back my dou 
Is not me that you mean to be mean to 
And i miss the one i thought its all that 
deserving your gold for such a smart act 

I now need to get your words out of my mind 
" all i want is for us to be fine" 
I m here alone and put up a smile 
The saddest of souls in me left to hide 


Don t cry pretty girl please get up 
You already got pain say things it should NOT 
stand tall....you re SO better without