”Brandon, do you want milk?”—“Mami, you are my milk!” :)

notes from back in 2009

(fragment from the beginning chapter of "On and on-and on-about life- a view"/ by Irinaforte)

"I kept on saying I m going to write…and now I want to stop on saying…as a warning, I shall say a handful of stupid things along the way…it comes with the decision of you reading my stuff. I take the risk of saying something stupid and hope half of you believe is right. I don’t mind critique, never did, a must for whoever decides to put their thoughts on paper. 

I wrote bits and bits since I remember. Handwriting, which is unheard of nowadays. I had a big copy full of poems back in high school. Is seems I used to feel more, but what a stupid thing to say, cause I m a believer of “heart beats time”. We keep the child inside forever, is only that we get better and better at hiding him, against the harsh reality and others. The others are the enemy, as we keep pretending to them and to ourselves. Putting up a face in order to fit in to some man created mostly deeply flawed principles. As I was saying, I feel a craving. A crave for writing and is time to put a stop to it. I m writing for myself. Thoughts of being someone big some day- I do have them but to know I’ll be? I m not so full of myself! Only once in a while, and that’s not now.  I write for Brandon too. And for my mum, cause she’s a key persona of this book. I m a lot of me because of her. I don’t like being compared to my mama, and this is an awful thing to say, but is also not what you understand of it, what any person would think. Is different, and you might need to keep on reading to see what I mean.  But whatever you recognize in others, you have in you. I ll never forget this say, and it summarizes best on how I feel about me being like my ma’. I love her to bits, while I resent being like her, as she’s a result of drama, and as much as I don’t like it, so am I. If in a different way, as of different drama. I ll be using a couple of big shocking harsh words too, which by the way I don’t like as I resent anything exaggerated or anything that helps to exaggerate reality- in my case, words. But I need them in this instance, while I do promise I won’t exaggerate with the use of them. When using pieces that I wrote randomly in some sleepless evening or during a train journey, I shall attach the date to it… will help me remember and help you not forget …. First note to self, with mama always in my heart, here we go:

“My dear mum,

The thought that you might not be around one day is just plain scary. I know I m not calling you enough, that I forget to say thank you, that you exist, that I exist, that my son, because of you , exits, and he s the happiness of my life, and he s enough to make me smile, so I smile because of you every single day. He said one day, when I asked him if he wanted milk: “mami, you are my milk”

Mammy dear, you are so much for me….. You are an example for me in being strong, in being happy, in being optimistic, in being naughty, in being mad, in taking life with a pinch of salt, in making fun of bad, of jumping around in the sun, of laughing out loud of some stupid bitching from the whomever! You are the power that I have in me, without you I d be weak and nothing. I want you around, be near me when I m having a girl, and maybe a third baby……..I need you to tell me that I don’t do this or that right, meaning the way you do it……..so what? I may not listen to you, but you must keep up the talk, cause you might as well be the only person who speaks to me, I want nobody else teaching me what to do! I love you ma’. Not till I die, forever and a day!  (21/03/2009 23:38:58)"