Never mind my bad memory....there are moments I will never forget. There are thoughts I will never forget. I remember so well being a baby girl, around 5 or 6 and thinking my mum and dad will live forever. I do not know why I was thinking that at that time, or why do I remember that thought. My dad did die, and than I could not understand....I was stunned. I took it very personal, I felt betrayed by my own thought, if that makes sense....it was my first experience with death...the realization that is not all pink in life, is not all laughs and dad carrying me on his shoulders, and me "reporting" to him when he arrived back from work, and mum getting red roses from him, and them going out for a bear at "Gambrinus" restaurant each Saturday night.... When he died, our life went upside down. For a few good years at least, till him not being a part of our life became our normality....never thought I will call it so, but than I did. And now I cannot imagine my life with him being around. Such a sad thing to say, I do feel like Judas, but it happened. The exact moment when that happened I do not remember, I guess I do not want to remember. I will always remember thou, myself, around that age, thinking my mum and dad will live forever. Such a big thought for such a young girl. Its almost like I have been shown how little I did know....
"how years passed
and thousand tears later
She, the love of your life
is very much the same:
Proud, strong, the five of us,
how did she raised us all!
we ll always speak of you
our beloved father
and husband to our mother"
These are the words written on my father's grave, my mum and sister called me one day and asked for some inspiration... I came up with these in less than 15 minutes... I guess its how I always felt. I was surprised how I managed to compress over twenty years of sadness.They called me back crying, and I was like: why are they so surprised and hurt, its surely how they feel too....but it was bottled inside for a while and I scratched on old wounds. I cried too.
The words do sound better in Romanian : "Trecut au anii, si curs au mii de lacrimi! Iubirea vietii tale, tot cum o stii : puterninca si mandra ! Crescut a cinci copii ! Vesnic te om pomeni : iubitul nostru tata si sot al mamei noastre! "
Our father death changed every and each of us. Mum never got married, we were always first on her list, we re still hoping she will re marry but she got us. To some degree, we all stayed the children we were back than, the fatherless children on that street, quite shy and afraid of the big bad world. I do see it in each of us, even if we all lived overseas at some point. I take it on mum at times : "why did you not give us a gram of hate in this hateful world? we re quite misfits, do you realize that?" she would sometimes cry when I tell her this, and I m ashamed for reproaching her such things "How do you want any of you to be so, when not me or your dad were ever two faced or deceitful ? Your dad would have given the shirt off his back if needed "
And than she would say that God loves the good ones, so He d take them away first. "This is stupid mum, does it mean we re not (good)?" I guess it was part of her way of dealing with it all. My mum will always be the strongest and most optimist person I know. She still cries over hurtful words she hears, but certainly laughs and forgets in half an hour. This is how she made it, this is her strength. Forgive me dear mum for all the times I have no patience. I do love you.
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