As if we were

Feels like a lifetime since we met 

Cause there was hope 

..and now ....whats left 

the bitter taste of some regret 

a bunch of things we left .unsaid.

I m not the proper. Or composed . I m not that wannabe 

I do remember oh , I loath that dream I had that us may be 

You re taken back  now by my  silence 

 I do still cry so much my sorrows 

They re drown within. 

I m not your one and you re not either so damn original 

That dance of two wild hearts

You turn your head each time I m  leaving, and joked you like me 

Enough tab keeping  you re out of tune. I ll keep on dancing  

On sadness left to tell its tale 

Of two poor strangers we won t name . 

 

Damaged

There was a girl …she was happy to welcome her dad from work, and wake up really early, sneak behind him five am before he left …… and she was thinking he 'll never be gone . But one day without warning he did leave. Life just kept on going, nothing really stopped, if his heart stopped beating, only a handful of other hearts took notice. He s not even in her dreams any more and she get upset with him for that, once in a while.... but anger won't bring him back....

Death is not 

the greatest loss in life. 

The greatest loss is

what dies inside us

while we live......

 I look around. A sad crowd , and I m in it, posing perfect life on Insta.... dreaming of a perfect world that was never meant to be so anyway.  We are not. We are flawed, we are weak and we need love in and out , no matter how much we pretend. I am searching for the meaning of being alive  and being here. A reason to hold on to , and not for anyone else, but for me.  but if that one other person helps you justify it, be truly and fully happy with that, as we all need a reason. And still, I keep on looking, ready to find more, ready to be surprised. Because we want more of anything we know of, and life is one.
Life is not meant to be pink, and we are not made to be whatever the definition of perfect is. You meant to have the clouds to smile to the sunshine, and the wrinkles to show for it.   A constant fight against the wind, with thorn feathers and healing scars. We have no say on what is gone, regardless we were part of it. The future does not exist either. But we are given a chance, a chance to make it  We have a try at that with every breath, with every morning new.  Day by day, one step at a time, and one more, and one breath followed by the next,, sights with pains and sores. And smiles and laughter are to be treasured. Do not take them for granted, for is a blessing to be smiling. Many people can't find one reason to...

We are flesh, and that changes, but what can live a little longer, is our souls. We become memory to the ones that we met ,but we can live in such a way , that we can hope bring a smile to dear one when remembering us, and that is really all we can do to make this struggle worth it.  Make it so they can talk of you for another few years, so you see from up there that you were not as insignificant as you can be. 

That girl cries today again ... and know she'll cry again , give it some time. You always had a kind word for everyone, and you were given such painful way to leave us...if there's any justice in it, this girl can' t see it. I only hope your pain is gone and you found  your peace. I 'll remember you with a smile. Smile back ! 

how NOT to love .......

We re all so easily addictive .... We love being addicted to sugar, to drinks , to self love, to lies and  convenient smiles . I went and googled it :"addiction".  Not for inspiration.   I may know just enough to talk about it .... I typed it together with human nature, as at times it feels like is one and same with it. . I believe I m not one of the addictive personalities, but I might have forgotten one minor / major thing : mistakes .... Not repeating them. But surely ticking off every one and each of them. Addiction to mistakes. Is that a real thing ? If yes, that's scary ...

We love being addictive to love. And what is love ?
Cause this ...it isn't ….
And me again not saying "Stay! " .....but "Leave me alone ".
When all I needed him to do was. stay.
Once again afraid to love .
So afraid. And  wanting to .
Remember thinking :
I could love him if I tried.
But I said I wouldn't 't try it
There is only one. Best shot.
And this !.... is what we got.

Isn't this sad........
The  world  is full of sadness. ...So much sadness
And the devil ain't in hell, he s right here, next to us
smiling...
All them things I would not say .
Can you please take them away … when you leave
Cause I am cold and you re not here.
As we always knew will be........

Have I pushed you to the edge? Have I ? did you fall ?! But did you ?
You didn't  … and who lost this game ?
All the times we were apart ...
Now again: it feels the same.
There s no love.  There s no forever...
What has gotten into you ? I just lied,
When I have told you that I miss and want you too.

Wanting to be left alone,
Don't need anyone to know.
Look around you, what we are, such a sea of broken hearts

crush(ed)

"The only real things which we take with us in the end are our own feelings, our loves, our hates and adversities. I ask myself: at the end of life, what will we leave outside? I suppose we can leave some feelings, less of hate, some of passion, but... especially of love."  

"Tell me, if I caught you one day
And kissed the sole of your foot—
Wouldn’t you limp a little afterwards 
Afraid you’re going to crush my kiss?"(A Poem)

November

I am a fish in a bowl
I squint at the air but cannot jump 

Out of myself. out of this hell 

And if i scream you chose not to hear me 

nothing would help. And you won t 

I ll have to erase that night of November 

It all went so wrong. Don t wanna remember 

"Forget it " i command to a heart with no ears 

"This wasn't t your war even poor dear"

You got me to fight someone else's fear 

Why have i ever thought this was for real 

Where is my dou. Give me back my dou 

Is not me that you mean to be mean to 

And i miss the one i thought its all that 

deserving your gold for such a smart act 

I now need to get your words out of my mind 

" all i want is for us to be fine" 

I m here alone and put up a smile 

The saddest of souls in me left to hide 

Don t cry pretty girl please get up 

You already got pain say things it should NOT 

stand tall....you re SO better without 

Colours

Life ain t black and white.   Life is a bilion of colours
Theres black and white as well in life thou .... there is darkness and there is light
But when it comes to feelings , colour them bright.  Who wants shades when there should be happiness .... nobody wants the pain, and if you re offering something , make sure is the right colour
Life aint black and white but true feelings ain t no gray !!  ... they should be bright and clear , a mute cry than anyone can see for what it really is ... when doubt creeps in , it smears mud into that brightness and pain is born and all gets thorn
For all the colours in my life , i want one more. But clear
Don t give me any gray.
My dear

#cherisheveryday

Sunday ... Early... Entered the kitchenette and i was the only one except for the woman working there ...  Had a bad night sleep ... Some weird dream of a sexual nature ... Woke up around 6 and wasn t able to fell asleep again ... Had a shower cleaned a bit around the room, went for breakfast ... Half hour later maybe this young girl came in but she chose the far across table with her back on me ... I grabbed  my cold by now coffee  and went into the garden , where the swimming pool is ... Laid there in my orange dress for more than half an hour . Beautiful day.  Than it dawn in me that this dress is too fancy for the beach so went back  in and changed for the long tshirt one ...

On the way to the beech , you must cross a small tunnel  under the main busy street 

So these tanned tall heavy built surfers crossed with me , holding hands ... They were two men.   I couldn t help thinking that i ve probably more balls than both of them combined - here its me , not afraid to walk the streets between the blocks of apartments yesterday all the way to Cristo Rei - never mind it turned out to be closed.  Will go again soon.   Than take the train to Carcavelos , go to the beach on my own , sitting here for lunch on my own...  At times lonely but still not afraid and feeling good .... 

" what would you do if you knew no fear ?? ..." 

Been on the beech reading for the last three hours.   Crowded not as much -less sunny today - is warm thou - but i m guessing due to being Sunday ... A group of noisy Russians with their kids - the little one blew a handful of wet sand on my book .... 

Now a break for lunch .... Busy place and overpriced got a beef sandwich , a Bacardi breezeer that i m drinking from the bottle and a coffee ... Noticed i got a bit of colour already.  No suncream with me but hey i m not getting much sun anyway ... It might as well damage me :) .... Lovely Sunday , my "me time " is nearly finished , wish i had more .... 

Reflections

To think is not easy ... therefore most people will rather judge
Guilty of it myself , so many times
Hours before stepping into the new year ... and i m reflecting on my life once again .. did it all day ...
woke up early and hit the gym , with a hunch that classes would be cancelled , but hey I m stubborn sometimes .  Class was cancelled ... so did what I rarely do , pedalled for 15 min than did something that I do actually do : 3 or 4 sets of squats ... relaxed at the sauna than jaccuzi, true to my nature , pretending to doze off, eyes closed, ignoring the population
Its New Years Eve ... and in the movies , the lonely girl accidentally meets a handsome stranger who sweeps her off her feet ..   yeah , you ve seen one movie and that ruins you for life : you get to believe it might happen to you !  Reality is I decided to do wear the red dress i got on sales last week - I love it , I ll drive to mum and have one glass off bubbles than take her for a ride in the city .... i ll do my hair , put on the red lipstick and smile like I m happy !
Life is way too short not to smile !!
This new years eve does remind me of the last one ... but not the one before ... so if i m sad this time ,I ll sure forget it !
I dream of unknown places ...of the world and of my heart ! If we dream less as we grow older , that s reassuring I m doing fine.   Do not give up on dreaming !
I ve no real new year resolutions ... this is my resolution!  I wish what I ce been wishing for many years now , and believe that day is closer than ever
Lets be grateful for the moment    Present is all I and you have ... the rest is a promise and i m no punter   All i pray for is to stay healthy and have my dear ones close to my heart.  I m sorry for getting upset and saying all those hurtful things.   I only really hurt myself.   Love is not to be expected but to be shared.  And it will find its way back to me.  And you.  Anything else is an illusion     Beware of illusions
Keep grounded and get real and most importantly , love.  

crush(ed)

Nechita Stanescu, one of the most loved poets of Romania said:

"The only real things which we take with us in the end are our own feelings, 

our loves, our hates and adversities. I ask myself: at the end of life, 

what will we leave outside? I suppose we can leave some feelings, 

less of hate, some of passion, but... especially of love." 

the poet of kisses on heels , he famously wrote :
"Tell me, if I caught you one day
And kissed the sole of your foot—
Wouldn’t you limp a little afterwards 
Afraid you’re going to crush my kiss?"(A Poem)

Love is probably the only feeling we have that makes us feel eternal, makes us forget we don't actually belong to someone, but indeed we belong to time itself, our greatest enemy.   caught in our daily futile silly  routines and passions, we forget to hate time, our only true enemy. 

Sweet babymine gift

...from the moment our paths crossed
The first time we met
I knew when our lips touched
You d be hard to forget
💏
Breathtaking ...the feeling
Being lost in your eyes
The serenity in my soul
When i take in your smile

But theres much more to say than
What our eyes can already see
I m writing this for you
Because the joy you bring to me

The best gift in the world
Cannot be bought nor sold
No matter how much you have
In diamonds or gold

The best gift in the world is
The memories we share
Because in the end thats all thats left
When we re naked and bare

You tell me your pain
And your wish to run out of tears
If you ever need someone to share them with
Unconditionally , I m here

I embrace you with these hands
So strongly - as if I never want to let go
But someday i must ...  And this much , I know

But besides trying to rhyme
and make this thing perfect
I d rather be honest and let my true feelings surface
I wanted to show you , in a special way
You re soecial to me and with you
I enjoy every minute hour day

The circumstances don t even matter , because
my heart does not care
The best gift we give eachother
Each memory we share
And if I am far from you someday , somewhere
Look at the sky ... Because we both breathe the same air

In the end thou I guess the best gift is definetely this
All of these feelings combined together with your groovy kiss !

Beach moments

Sunday ... Early... Entered the kitchenette and i was the only one except for the woman working there ...  Had a bad night sleep ... Some weird dream of a sexual nature ... Woke up around 6 and wasn t able to fell asleep again ... Had a shower cleaned a bit around the room, went for breakfast ... Half hour later maybe this young girl came in but she chose the far across table with her back on me ... I grabbed  my cold by now coffee  and went into the garden , where the swimming pool is ... Laid there in my orange dress for more than half an hour . Beautiful day.  Than it dawn in me that this dress is too fancy for the beach for went in and changed for the long tshirt one ...

On the way to the beech , you must cross a small tunnel  under the main busy street 

So these tanned tall heavy built surfers crossed with me , holding hands ... They were two man.   I couldn t help thinking that i ve probably more balls than both of them combined - here its me , not afraid to walk the streets between the blocks of apartments yesterday all the way to Cristo Rei - never mind it turned out to be closed.  Will go again soon.   Than take the train to Carcavelos , go to the beach on my own , sitting here for lunch on my own, not afraid.   At times lonely but still so good .... 

Been on the beech reading for the last three hours.   Crowded not as much due to the sun- is warm thou - but i m guessing due to being Sunday ... A group of noisy Russians with their kids - the little one blew s handful of wet sand on my book .... 

Now a break for lunch .... Busy place and overpriced got a steal sandwich , a Bacardi breezeer that i m drinking from the bottle and a coffee ... Noticed i got a bit of colour already.  No suncream with me but hey i m not getting much sun anyway ... It might as well damage me :) .... Lovely Sunday wish i stayed longer .... 

Gone

Remember those walls I built?
Well, baby they're tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make a sound
I found a way to let you in
But, I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now


I can't be hurted any  more
I thought cause I was I,and knew it all
I ve seen it all and felt it all ...
 How wrong was i ... 

I thought I felt like this before
Not quite.

After tonight, and any given time
my heart and yours , under one sky
and all I feel can't leave behind
it haunts me and can't hide.

 I think about it once again 

I ll blame the moon
Its full , taking away the sleep.

Because of your heart, I will not cry

I close my eyes. And feel..

The cold wind of night rushes by

Hushes the leaves of trees

Taking those leaves away with it

As far as it can have them

But when the wind loses its strength

The leaves are falling and crumble into nothing

As we once were..

My eyes open slowly. Baby huh…

I think about it 

The past crumbles into nothing like the leaves.

The wind is back, stronger than ever.

And the wind moves and life goes on 

Heresy

God , you gave me eyes to keep on going 
be it light or be it dark. h
And here i am now acting blind 
Sudden noise of hidden feelings 
Weren t buried deep enough
You and me.   A heresy  

Can you show me what I want 

Cause without you .know. I don t 

And i m looking and don t see 

Free me of these " wannabe-s"...

Clouds. I stop looking when these trees 

Push me towards memories 

You were sweet.  Don t want to leave 

And why can you just read my heart 

It is mine or ... It should be ! 

But i will loose just one http://irinaforte.blogspot.ie/2016/01/smiles-and-nightmares.html?m=1

And tell me NO ! I dare you if you can ! 

Crossroads

For all the way I ve done
I will not look behind
Cause here I am.  I smile
I may not be too loud about it
But loud inside and you know me


And I am where I wanted

And still. I tremble now
I trusted me.  And God within..
Its always been
I m looking right. And left.
I shall not freeze
You guided all my steps
And this is not assigning my mistakes.

I heard you ve got your ways
And this is what past is
I throw myself with eyes wide shut
Knowing you re watching over
There might have been just one heartbeat
I missed
You must have been at work
Writing my road ahead

Scared ?  I ve never been
I trust my life in you
And many times again

Smiles and nightmares

You learned to run from what you feel, and that's why you have nightmares. To deny is to invite madness. To accept is to control.

Megan Chance, The Spiritualist

We re running from our feelings every day.  We became masters at hiding our feelings, eager to behave and speak in a way thats "appropriate", wary of being judged. We behave 30 cause we re thirthy, we behave "mature" cause its expected from us  

we repress real feelings if they don t fit the society s standards ... We judge the ones that don t, they so become outcasts , marginalized.   We fail to understand, cause we rarely look beyond the surface  Biggest heartaches, the biggest fights,  they go unknown.  Cause how can we accept?     We don t.  Therefore, we don t control. The irony .... 

A girl that falls sobbing in the very tiny room she was the happiest , and why ?!  

Left a scar that it won t heal

She hides the pain within.  

And she won t say a thing 

Forever is a lie 

Who knows who s babymine 

A story meant to die 

How foolish to believe that more control measures we have in place, the safer we are from all evil.  It's spread like plague.  Cause its how our hearts became caged, our feelings hidden, all masks of smiles, you don t fool me but I wanna be fooled.  

Evil is unspectacular and always human

And shares our bed and eats at our own table.

W.H. AUDEN, Herman Melville

We re naturally self absorbed    And talking about ourselves is the preferred topic to most people.   And when we do make time to talk about whats going on,how ofter  do we act upon it ?  There are very few heroes between us left, and they re not the ones on television or newspapers , they usually go unknown, the brave who dare to fight against prejudice, the ones that go against their way just to do good.  To them good translates fair no matter what.   Cause goodness is fairness  In any small quest or deed.  The ones that don t care about praise, but only righteousness.  Oh, the battle they fight !!  

" I happen to think that the singular evil of our time is prejudice. It is from this evil that all other evils grow and multiply. In almost everything I've written there is a thread of this: a man's seemingly palpable need to dislike someone other than himself " 

ROD SERLING, Los Angeles Times, 1967

If love conquers time and skin colour, what a joke its been !! And i don t know where to begin ! Embrace yourself , enjoy the nightmares ! At least you feel.  It might be all thats left in you.   This scar will never heal 

What will i do with all there is 

no water and no fire 

Will this past, cleanse !! 

And all the hate there is 

Can t help. 

Cause it will always hurt 

To think . 

I d rather have nightmares 

And you.   

Happy 2016

I don t know about you , but I take a moment now to think of how blessed I am , to thank for the present, nevermind the past, whatever the future !
Happy 2016 !!!! Present is to be cherished and celebrated and we should so every moment not just at new year.... I don t know about you , but often when I lay in bed at end of day, I thank for my clean bed and my health... We should all aknowledge more often the blessings we have in our life, the most important things, that aren t things .... A child , a mother, a sister or brother and their hug, a friend you can count on to tell you the truth , like " hey blondie, you re crazy , take it down a notch"
Time is the enemy .... Still we celebrate its passing ... As its only than  when it seems its all the same, still everything changes.  We see how tall our children got, oh and our new gained wisdom reflected by the mirror.. Smile to it ! You ll never be as young again, as you are today !!
I don t know about you , but my year was good.  And the new year will be better still !!! I learned again , still more about myself.  I grew more to listen to my heart and to my best friend, God bless her for being in my life !   I made peace with a couple more things that I can t change and i allowed myself to cry when I realised that weakness is given for a reason.
Life takes us different routes but never forget what you stand for.  And stand strong!! Or you may fall for anything.... We re given this life to fight. It may not be easy but its a beautiful struggle.  We can either love or give up.   I say we love.   The rest will come to us.  We only live once, but if we do it right, once is enough, as someone wise said 
If you love life, don’t waste time, for time is what life is made



Happy happy 2016 to you all !!!! 

To hell and back

Only love can be both , heaven and hell.  We want the heaven but we re ready to go to hell for it     Theres no stopping us.  And we re humans , not meant to be in either in this life, but the other.  But we re too weak to make a choice , and when we feel we re strong enough, we go for it anyway , thinking we ARE in control by choosing to go for it.   The truth is a lot simpler than that : we control nothing.

I guess all we said , wasn t true.  
Now as I see it through 
Thats how i feel about it.  

Cause how else can we do 

The things we do 

I wish you baby that nobody, ever 

Loves you again the way i did ....

And no one will ! 

You may think i m bitter 

I d sat its only fair 

Cause only so you ll realize how much I did .

And you let go.  

 When to hold on is all I needed you to do 

We re in the place we re meant to be 

You said to me 

Its like you planned, cause you could see 

I didn t.    I yearned your eyes laying on me. 

You stopped the time when touching me 

Made me a fool and made believe 

We had the real thing

And there are no tears left 

Theres only pain 

The sea i had in front of me ... I walked more and more deep into it and i let myself drown ... I knew i ll probably never conquer it but i conquered my fears.   Cause this is what is all about.
And I ve been to hell and back    I ve been high, above my worries and above time.  And I fell back into my own despair   My heart still beats and trembles like it never felt the salty water.
As I get older I realize that its true : we only get to regret things we did not do.   So I ll probably let my heart guide me into the deep one time more and one time after.

Pettiness

A full moon softens up black skies

It does not matter where or why

Cause of this moon, cant fall asleep 

Release my heart who d rather weep 

I close my eyes. And feel... 

cold wind rushed both us by

Where there were leaves

now fear lives 

I ve never thought you let me go 

We re bare. 

Feelings we can t reclaim

And when the wind shall lose its strength

Exposed to our nothingness 

that all the eyes can t see

Our vacant hearts shall be 

 

Soon you ll forget the pettiness 

And i ll smile off the impertinence 

of "us"

So we can bear today.

With all the care it ever bore

Past won t be given worth no more 

The fall

The feeling of a Monday morning .... I was trying to catch a snow drop ...it melted fast ... As fast as my heart when its touched.    It dreads another touch. It might not be able to survive again.  The tremor!!! 

.... Of another cold touch.     

Dreading the beggining of the week, slowly sliding to the end of it , how many of us remember to be grateful ....

Before you know is Friday again.  And the empty nights don t seem to end ... March is gone, soon will be fall

"Did trees changed over the thousand years , like we did ?"  Random thoughts.   Maybe not so random after all.   Maybe every thought makes sense.   

  Trees remind me of lost love ..

.. and trees are everywhere.    Nowhere to run , nothing to care ...  

All the love we had and lost .... 

our dreams are gone

Almost ... 

There s still hope and 

What s a dream 

I can t hate and that s the worst ... 

I could hug you and go mad 

But i walk.  I loved the most

all them missed heartbeats 

they call it a game 

Cause the winner takes it all 

And before you know it's fall 

Beating heart ,

You crying small 

Dare to take another fall ! 

Truth, love , and other wars

“Man is not, by nature, deserving of all that he wants. When we think that we are automatically entitled to something, that is when we start walking all over others to get it.”
― Criss Jami, Diotima, Battery,

We raise our children telling them they deserve everything they got, and they can reach and grab anything they want ....  " you deserve this, cause you re special !! Don t ever forget that !! "   And praise is not a sin ..... We are each and every one of us : special     We can shape our destiny, we can be reborn like Phoenix and we can do it all, we can have it all  

We are thou , totally unaware, giving up power ...there are three main things, again accomplisments, that more than anything else, tells us : yes, you deserve it !    But only one of the three is rightly doing it ..... Which one did you think of ? .....
Money , which success means ,  and it s what success is .... is one of them ..... And irronically, the cheapest one , i want to laugh !!! Money may be the easiest of all things to get in life , but hey the most praised and seeked for.   We should strive for value, rather than success    How many out there are not speaking to one of their own ?   We d fight over money with our brother . We ve long sold our souls .   "Success plus Self-esteem equals Pretensions!!!! " it looks a lot like pretence   You may pretend awhile but it can t last for as long as love does  

Gaining praise for your intelligence, real or perceived, is another one that make you feel entitled   Being a genius sure is in our limited mind, something to feel proud for, hence above others   Perceived intelligence gives most of us a higher job , a position of authority,  the air of God     We can do things, all of a suddden is up to us to live the moment    There are no concequences .    But sure, there are  : we maybe be having the freedom to take a choice .... but we re not free of  those choices consequences     Everything you do will find its way back to you.

And than there s love .
Would that there were an award for people who come to understand the concept of enough. Good enough. Successful enough. Thin enough. Rich enough. Socially responsible enough. When you have self-respect, you have enough.
And having it - the respect for yourself , is enough to be loved    Or so it should be   So many of us are getting it by shouting it out loud    " you want that person ?  You go and get him/ her !!!   I almost said get it !  Ha !    I say the greatest loves are never told    Are kept untouched / not stained , inside   If that love grows into reality , is because them hearts met halfway      " What we do upon some great occasion will probably depend on what we already are; and what we are will be the result of previous years of self-discipline."  
I am feeling like i m under discipline    From myself   And thats not to say I was ...  I , enough a lot of times, lived the moment, breathed in the air and than , happy, letted go .... It felt good    
"When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving one's self, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what world calls a romance."    Yeah, this makes me smile    It makes you too    You smile when i say the truth   Thats how I catched you up one time too many   


You did it ? You go and own it !! 
It is the highest form of self-respect to admit our errors and mistakes and make amends for them. To make a mistake is only an error in judgment, but to adhere to it when it is discovered shows infirmity of character..... Don t like bragging    Telling me what you intend to do does not change my life  

Of course, and undoubtly so , love is the hardest to achieve of all   " you deserve the kind of love that you are ready to give  "     But the kind of entitlement love gives us is the real one to have   It throws humility into the mix and that reminds us of what real means , of the important things    Of feeling that transcends infinity   I will not give up on that   


Love !